Les Trucs —> The Thingies
It is always a bit frustrating when your long term goals pale in the moment of instantaneous hunger, the desire of the moment and things just… Leave the mind. I’m not a particularly focused individual. At least compared to some, compared to what I’d like to be.
I could be a lot of things if I stayed the course, if, if, if… Always ifs that are consequences of the conditions I set. Unfortunate. It is interestingly difficult to do things that you know would benefit every aspect of your life, but require the momentary sacrifice. That type of logic is developed fairly young in humans, learning patience and restraint to gain a larger reward.
Ah, and how I bemoan my circumstances when the time comes for restraint, for determination. I somehow, every time, convince myself that I am being efficient, that my course of action is appropriate and there are more important consumptions of my time, my energy.
Always I favor tomorrow with a positive air, I try not to dwell on poor decisions, again in favor of letting go of slip ups, the lack of will, forgiving myself easily and just moving on.
Sure, I tell myself that I don’t have time to serve, or go to yoga, that I should just eat the easy garbage available, to just sleep instead of worrying about some assorted thing. But is it true? Well, I think I should examine these aspects, and keep in mind that just because I could be doing more, that some people do do it all, doesn’t mean that I have to.
I just often feel as though I am lazy in comparison to others also on my path. I know that that is certainly true. But does that mean I should be doing more, working harder, pushing myself? That idea has changed a lot.
In my relative pool of classes, in my undergraduate program I think it is surprisingly easy, and I do find myself in the marginal top for now. I have exceeded my own expectations but still find myself to have spare time, energy and a tendency to waste my personal commodities. Is that a bad thing? I’m not quite convinced that it is bad to be able to relax.
I just want to feel some warmth again, from the sun on my skin, a hot breeze or something lush. I want to be outdoors and not be wet, frozen, or teary eyed.. The summer is my forté.
Strange how things change. I might never have said it to myself before, but I think I love my mother. It gives me chills and makes me feel very strange to think that. It’s still like nails on a chalkboard. But I’m not that girl anymore. I’ve given up that stupid, stupid hate…
I just want to love. Hate may find a place, someday, but for now it is finally gone.