This song blows my mind… The video hurts in the most beautiful way that I crave.
Sometimes I consider playing it for my final song in yoga, during savasana. But I think the climax and the ending are too intense, too loud, and then suddenly depriving of a calm ending.
I want people to leave satisfied and filled, not longing and filled with a glimpse of beauty and wondering what it all was. That’s the way I feel when I hear it. Like I need more, like there must be some action required afterwards… Maybe that is the way they should feel.
I should be working. But I feel like…. writing. I have a magical day off somehow. I cleaned the fuck out of the apartment, which pleases me greatly, hahah.
You know how, when you’ve got that song stuck in your head, just a fragment… A song that you don’t know. I spent at least a half hour trying to find it this morning… But I finally found it. “Tove Lo - Stay High (Habits Remix) ft. Hippie Sabotage.
I just really like it.
So many strange dreams lately, it’s quite silly.
Things have been really good the last few days. I feel like I’m finally getting back to this safe, sure feeling. Where I feel confident in where I’m at. Where we’re at.
I guess I should be honest when I say it’s probably due to the fact that Brian asked if he could “keep me forever” after telling me he couldn’t make me a ring made of stone.
It just feels like… Him asking that washes away the cold, clinging memory of the “I don’t know” response that’s been haunting me. I feel like I’m finally on equal footing again. I’m in no hurry, you know… It’s just reassuring. This is where I want to be. Just knowing is enough.
I guess I think of the “Power of Vulnerability” video.. How she talks about having the courage to say “I love you first”, and how those are the people who live whole heartedly. Since I last watched that video with Jordan again I’ve tried to say “I love you more.” Just to say it, just to reach out.
God. That’s what I need to do more. Reach out. To everyone. Reach out and not worry about rejection or disappointment.
Him asking that was him reaching out. I asked him if he loved himself, and he said yes. That was what I needed to know, I think.
Gosh. I wish I could just stay home and write and type and listen, haha. Maybe I’ll try………….. Mwahahaha.
Man, a person changes so much. Which is good. I am referring to myself this time.
Sometimes, when I add a new person on facebook I look over my profile and wonder what their first impression of me will be. I always see people differently after such an intimate look into their life. So sometimes I look at my old photos.
I realize that there are parts of me that I miss. The striving, reaching, fun. hands-outstretched girl… Man, we used to go dancing every Tuesday.
I remember the time I got down on my knees, begging Kaylee to dance with me, and suddenly all of our friends got down on their knees, and even a few confused bystanders until at least ten people were begging her on their knees to dance; she was so embarrassed she said yes, hahaha…
I just remember those precious, unique nights of getting ready. The excitement of the unknown and the mysterious possibilities. I loved my long, dark hair, my sometimes too-fancy dresses that fit in at the Triple Rock.
I remember my studio in Loring Park. I remember how super single I was, haha. How lonely I was. How crazy I was!
I know that I just need to try striving again. To just try. To reach. I think the only problem is that I don’t know what I’m reaching for. Fun is too expensive, haha… Maybe that’s a stupid notion.
All I know is that there are these parts of me that I miss.
Buuuuut……. I suppose I need to take a moment to acknowledge all of the things that I like about where I am right now. But when I think about that.. It’s hard to come up with “qualities” rather than “things I’ve done”.
I don’t know. I’m literally on the verge of graduating… Which is alright. I’m a yoga instructor. I wanted that as a far away dream I thought impossible for a really long time. I work at probably one of the best restaurants in the mid west, make really great money, and the management loves me. I’m in an exclusive research lab that directly involves things that interest me. I now have a box spring for my bed, so we have a “real bed” now. It’s oddly satisfying. With Brian’s help, we are crushing our debt. That’s true. And very satisfying.
I think I’m happy. I feel happy, and content. There will always be wants. But I’m taking those baby steps. I told Jenny I want to go to India next summer. I’m still totally into that idea.
Oh, things and sucheries…
Thinking ahead is.. difficult. Probably not super necessary… I have enough debt to saddle me for years, but I am making progress, at least.
I just wish I knew where my next adventure was. I don’t know where I want to go.