So I’ve been sick the last couple of days.
And now I have new wants.
I’m still moving closer to all of those goals, they inch closer as I cross others off the list.
But food. Something has happened. My relationship with it has become dangerous and pointless. All pleasure.
I need to eat for fuel again. I need to stop watching tv while I eat. I need to DO more yoga, not just teach it. Who knew that could ever be a problem? I need to destroy these finals. For now, I think my grades are projected for A, A, B, B, and a C. Funny. But I can live with that. I might be able to pull one more A, but I might also end up with a C- instead of that C, and that would set me back a lot of time, and a lot of money.
I want to be more active, got I want to. I miss being determined, drinking that full bottle of water right when I woke up to hydrate, oatmeal for breakfast, lunch already packed, productive. Dinner has always been a mystery, something I need to fix.
It’s good to reassess. To reexamine goals. That’s how I’ve come this far.
And I need to be honest with myself. I’m falling back into some dark habits, stealing time, tiny white lies that are foolish excuses. I promised to try and be honest a long time ago, to live honestly, but god, it get’s so hard.
But I know that they are becoming numerous, because I have to be careful about what I say, treading with caution in conversations to remember what was said to whom. This is me being honest with myself. I’m tired of excuses. Tired of living like this. It’s not bad, but it is dishonest, exhausting, fulfilling and haunting.
I have all these titles, things I’m outwardly proud of, but not if they are empty. I think I’m a little too content, while yearning for things that I’m not willing to work for. But now I feel that hunger….. As always, it returns. And I need to do something about it.