There are these moments when he rests his head on my lap and closes his eyes… There was the night he came home and knelt besides the bed to wrap his arms around me be close. Today in the throes of waking he rested his forehead next to mine to touch.
Goodbyes are sweet, tender, and filled with affection.
I can sense tension beneath the surface though. So many thoughts kept inside.
I always feel this need to talk about serious things, to ask questions and discuss things, to talk about possibilities, wants, and future… But I know that’s not his way. I can only be that soft pillar, the place to rest his head… For now. I just wish I could do more.
I know this weekend is going to add to my burnout of The Oceanaire… The money is good, certainly… But after a co worker stole my phone to sell to some stupid store there is quite the sense of disquiet and distrust for me… There are also still select individuals I do not like there. They are quite miserable people, in my opinion..
But I’m feeling good, overall, I think. There is a lot to do this weekend. A lot of midterms and things to study next week, with extra work and some assignments… Blah. Too much.
And this whole thing of not knowing what to do with my future is kind of ripping into me now… I’m so close to being done.
But should I push it and take extra courses next semester? I wouldn’t be able to work like I wanted, at least not as much. I’d have to work really hard, because they’d all be biology courses, which are challenging. Advantages are that they’d be done when I graduate, and I’m getting great financial aid this year….. *sigh*… I’m just so tired. So exhausted.
I don’t want to be on campus so much again… I just don’t know what to do.
A mixed review of feelings, I suppose.